Essentials
of Intimacy
One of the main
things we do. after we have gone through the romance stage of
the relationship is that we get close to each other and then find
a way to destroy the closeness. Examples of this, is as we come
closer to a weekend lets say, or a few days that we have the opportunity
to be alone with each other, we create some way of getting into
a fight. then spend the next two days processing the event.
When we become aware of this pattern, we begin to shift the pattern
by acknowledging that it is no ones fault, there is no blame,
and we begin to look at the dynamics. What are the patterns and
how these patterns keep us from intimacy?
As humans we yearn for unity and for individuation at the same
time. And both needs are fundamental to personal growth. Yet most
of us have painful memories of getting close and getting separate.
These memories can be taken to from our childhoods and our relationships
with our parents at the very beginning of infancy. And relationships
parallels infancy.. .in the first six months of our lives we need
closeness to survive, to get our needs met. It is apart of being.
The next six months is learning doing. The infant learns to explore
and to act on the environment in a lot of different ways.
So in relationships we do the same thing. . . first we are learning
whether we can trust this other person. There is a lot of body
contact, eating together, sleeping together, dancing, and walking.
Then we move into the need for space and autonomy. We find out
if this relationship can withstand closeness and allow us to be
ourselves at the same time.
I cannot begin to recount the number of times I have heard.. .
"They changed. At first everything was so great and then he had!
or she had a different personality all of sudden." This where
the real relationship begins and the real work. This is where
growth occurs.. . expansion of the self is prime. At this point
the controlling self, the dependent self, or the violent self
emerges and the struggle begins.
And when couples work through this part with love and commitment,
there are no boundaries to where the relationship can go.
We have not been educated on how to communicate, to solve problems
or how to deal with feelings. This all causes pain... and what
do we do with pain? Remove the stimulus and blame it on the source....
The other one.
This is the key... We are not victims. Much of the pain
we experience is due not the action of others but on how we see
the world.
A few issues that
surface at this time are:
- Fear of being abandoned
- Fear of being overwhelmed,-
engulfed
- Rage about childhood violations
- A desire to be taken care
of completely be another person
- Hypersensitivity to criticism
And none of these
issues would cause the problems if people took responsibility
and said something like this: "Honey, I just became aware
that I have a deep fear of abandonment that is coming up now in
our relationship. I hereby commit myself to taking full responsibility
for clearing it up" I don't think so... and yet something likes
that is the intention of this workshop. What really happens is
the other persons is at fault. They are to blame. This is projection.
Projections... What
are they? Projections is when A blames B for something that actually
belongs to A. Example: Susan blames Ted for flirting with Carol
at the party. Ted blames Susan for being on his case and trying
to tell him what to do.
But the "Real"
issue is that her Dad abandoned Susan and her Mom. So she is hypervigilant
toward any move by Ted that looks like he might leave. This is
abandonment waiting to happen. Ted on the other hand grew up in
a military household with a very authoritarian father. So where
does he go with Susan's reaction? That makes him hypersensitive
to any one telling him what he can or cannot do. He is a criticism
waiting to happen.
Many people prefer
to stay stuck or stay locked in a power struggle rather that look
into the true sou
rce of the struggle within themselves. Begin
to look at you complain most about in others and apply it to yourself.
Get out your journals
and write these questions. What is it about me that keep creating
this situation? What it is within me that is contributing to this
problem? Not Why
is this other person (and the world) dong this to me? That is
a victim statement.
This is the foundation
to growth and it requires courage, commitment and practice. It's
easier to blame or to point the finger. So ask yourselves each
time you feel you are ready to blame the other or holding to a
position out of control... .Do you want to be happy or do you want
to right?
Mirroring is another
way of saying projection. There are seven ways we mirror in others
so that we may continue to grow as human beings.
- What we are at the moment.
We judge someone for the constant talking and not listening... could
it be that we do that and are not aware?
- That what we judge is the
moment. If we judge someone for unethical behavior, is it
something we have great anger about is someone else and
perhaps its shown up in our lives to let go of the reaction
to it.
- Reflection of loss... that
which has been taken away, lost, given away, portions of
the self. Like was stated... abandonment, control, criticism,
yet the male or female side of self. What do I see in this
person that I have lost, given away , had take away or forgotten
within myself?
- Reflections of our most
forgotten love. Our greatest fear are made manifest when
we look at what is the forgotten love aspect of the self,
what we truly desire in life. This can also explain the
need to anesthetize ourselves in order not to feel the pain
associated with this loss. Addictive behaviors around relationships,
power, money, sex, living in lack, illness, drugs, alcohol,
and cigarettes can provides us with an opportunity to experience
exactly the opposite of that which we desire... We have a gift
to look at addictions as a way to see the patterns as the
things that we hold most dear slip away, resolve the underlying
fear, and release the charge holding the patter in our lives... or
we can allow the pattern to continue for so long, that our
greatest fear so up in our lives, over time, in degrees.
5. Parents are
mirroring the most important relationship of all... it show us
if we are lovable or not... if we have let our parents down. Characteristics
of parents
- Aloof
- Judgmental
- Self-absorbed
- Egotistical
- Liars
- Drunk
- Doing the best he or she can
- Good friend to others.
- Integritable
- Really trying
- Teacher of aesthetics
- Loyal
- Truthful
- Add more
What is happening
in your life right now? How is your relationship with your mate?
- Reflection of the Dark Night
of the Soul. You may be drawn into experience everything we
fear the most.
- Greatest act of Compassion.
Once all the fear is healed — all that is left is compassion.
Universal
Fears
- Abandonment and Separation — Relationships
where we are devastated when they fail, or always being the
one get that gets left, or always leaving a good relationship
before getting hurt.
- Not Worthy — Issues
of low self-esteem, or creating relationships of career or
friendship and romance that match our experience or not being
good enough.
- Surrender and Trust — The
inability to surrender to our experience, or relationships
that mirror our expectations of the world as being unsafe
or unworthy of our trust.
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